I am my own hero

I’ve been working through some body image issues and looking for some positive body role models looking for someone to inspire me to become something better. But then I realized: I’m my own God-damn hero. Every time I look into the mirror means I have made it through the fist clenching struggles of another day.  I haven’t given in to the harrowing little voices whispering in my ear to end it all today, to give in to the false sweetness of eternal surrender.

I know when I see myself that I am working my ass of to become a better person, to overcome my seemingly endless inner demons.  Spending hours going therapies, counseling and psychiatrist appointments. Going through the never ending nightmare of finding the right combination of drugs to live a somewhat normal life. Enduring the horrible side effects that these chemicals do to my body and mind. Dealing with all of the emotional turmoil and anguish brought up from delving deep into the dark places of my mind where the demons came from and bringing what has been stuffed away and exposing them into the sickening bright light.

Even looking in the mirror is a triumph, not being terrified to see my own reflection for once. Overcoming all of the messages the world says about my body, that I am disgusting and should not be seen or even think about loving myself.

It’s hard to even associate the word hero with myself, I feel like it is only for soldiers and people who run into buildings on fire. Researching the definition of hero keeps showing me that heroes are male (seriously). But I know I am working my ass off and it is hard as fuck. Not giving in to the thoughts in my head telling me to kill myself every day is a battle in itself.

However, thinking about all of this making myself better stuff makes me feel selfish. But if I don’t take care of myself, I won’t survive. I do it for the people that love me, my husband, my future children.  Trying to stay alive isn’t selfish, is it? Trying to live a somewhat normal life can’t be selfish.

I just hate thinking about anyone else going through this pain. I like to think I could inspire them. I’m not at the finish line yet, but I’m running as fast as I can, getting up time and time again after I fall.  I guess that is the definition of hero. Someone who displays courage. Courage is definied as “the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.” Even though I struggle with associating the word “hero” with myself, I know damn well that I am the embodiment of courage.

 

 

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